Not Starting Over But Continuing

When I was in high school, I made a New Year’s resolution to never again make another New Year’s Day resolution. Guess what? I’ve kept that resolution all these years. That doesn’t mean that I don’t get caught up in the “new year, new you” hype that comes with those who measure time with the Gregorian calendar. It’s all around me and I don’t live in a vacuum. Unfortunately, I also know that the new year doesn’t simply erase the past for some of us so that everyone can get a fresh start..

And why would we? I moved to Wisconsin more than two years ago to live the type of life I always wanted. It didn’t occur to me that by just making the decision to move and carry through with it that I was making that start. I didn’t think that way until someone called me free spirited and I had to take a closer look at what my life has become. I hold a part-time job supplemented with freelancing. I thought this fact alone meant I was just another part of the cog that keeps the world turning.

I always thought that my fear of poverty and hunger actually prevented me from being the free spirit I strive to be. Sometimes I get by and other times I can get just ahead so that I can slow down and do the things I enjoy such as write and indulge in take out. I’m learning to get over the fear of rejection so that I can finally start to submit and get my writing out into the world. I have noticed that I have started to care a little less about how everyone else perceives me as long as I am happy with myself. I may not be running around in below freezing weather with a kite, but I’m also not just sloshing along waiting for the next thing. I’m being me.

So with this new Gregorian year, I still think of ways to live my life with even more freedom and less fear. I have to find out how to re-energize myself during those lean times that often leave me paralyzed because I’m afraid the bottom will fall out. I have to write with more frequency even if that means just getting down two sentences a day for two weeks rather than two pages every other day. I have to get back to a few projects that I accidentally abandoned and finally finish the draft of my literary novel that’s been driving me crazy for more than a year. In other words, I need to make sure I make time for the things that make me happy.

Yes, I hope this year is better than the last. Yes, I hope that this is the year that I finally break through. Yes, I hope this is the year that something so awesome happens that I think I’ll finally be happy for the rest of my life. I know there are things I have to do to see that this happens, but I also try to keep realistic views of the world around me. It isn’t always easy negotiating between the two, but I’m learning. I’m learning to make the most of that free spirit inside me and keep her happy.

Advertisements